The talking piece, the listening piece

A student in a circle once noted that the talking piece was mis-named. “It should be called the ‘listening piece,’ because that is what you do with it. Listen.”
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This direction is most important for the keeper, especially if the keeper is an adult. We know so much, as adults. It is hard to keep all that fantastic wisdom, experience and knowledge to ourselves. But if we hope to hold circle with integrity, that is what we do—listen—unless we have the talking piece. Adults, like everyone else in circle should just listen.

A teacher was holding circle with a group of young people new to the circle process. At one point, a student told the young man who was holding the talking piece but not saying anything that he had to speak. He looked at the teacher, and said, “You said I don’t have to speak, right?” She replied to him, “You are right, you do not have to speak.”

This seems like an appropriate reply to a legitimate question. But she also could have just sat there, looking kindly, to re-enforce that she did not have the talking piece, and so it was not for her to talk or answer his question at that time. She could have indicated that he pass the talking piece, to send the piece around the circle in order. Someone else might have said when they had the talking piece, “You are right—it is on our guidelines—you may pass.” That would have confirmed—from a peer—that the person with the talking piece has the power to speak or not. It would also confirm to everyone else to wait their turn as well. The guidelines apply to everyone, including adults.

This approach to circle may seem somewhat rigid. But when you are starting out learning circle, building your community, keeping to that guideline (speak when you have the talking piece, listen when you do not have the talking piece) helps to assure the participants that the process has integrity. If the keeper talks out of order, that indicates again that one person has extra power and extra responsibility for the process. But in circle, all members are responsible for following the guidelines, not just one person.

Honoring the talking piece also encourages circle members to make their own decisions—what to say or not say is in their hands, literally. For some students, this may be a new experience, one that may take time to trust, to believe that it is ok to pass. All the more reason for the adult to wait, smile, show care in their face, maybe even snap fingers in agreement or delight, perhaps laugh.

Listening is an action. Silence tells its own story. Both should be honored as much as words. And everyone can wait to talk until they hold the talking piece. –Nancy Riestenberg